Healing Sexuality

Hello dearest,

I don't think I am gonna be able to put down all of my thoughts considering sexual trauma and healing into this post. Which is great, because its gonna make me write more and search for the truths hidden beneath the pain. I also very much believe, I am gonna be healing my sexuality throughout my whole life. As I believe that it is not only my sexuality that is (literally) fucked, but it rather is a deep seated wound in the collective subconscious. Healing this wound is part of my mission, I want to share my progress and thoughts on it with you. Especially as I firmly believe we can all learn from one anothers experience.

I have no idea where it started, in Ancient Rome, with the raising idea of patriarchy, with the institution of church and religion, with the suppression of the feminine? Probably all of it. I am yet very certain, that the suppression of sexuality is the suppression of our kind. I hear some of you saying, "suppression of sexuality? But sex everywhere". Yes you are right, in our world of duality suppression naturally leads to obsession. According to NSVRC one in five women in the United States experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime. 16 686 Children have experienced sexual abuse in the year 2020 only in Germany. Which seems obviously gross, yet let me also tell you that both the victim and the abuser are victims. According to therapists who specialize in the field (such as Dr. Lindsey Doe) sexual interest in children is a very common consequence for someone who has experienced sexual abuse themselves. So blaming the perpetrator will not really bring us forward in healing the issue at its core. Its systematic, its nobodies fault. 

Nowadays Sex is mainly used for Sales and often to give a false sense of power to those who feel powerless by suppressing another. Don't you think that something so versatile as sexuality, something so full of pleasure (when performed in mutual agreement and care for one another) can offer much greater value than what most of us draw from it? 

I wish I could teach you, advice you and lead you on a path toward better sex. Because this is what I wish for myself. Yet I truly don't know. My friends always claim I'd seem so confident in my sensuality and in my body, when it couldn't be further from truth. My own path of sensuality was very upsetting. The sexuality I feel within – at least its potential that I can grasp somewhere in the infinite space of my soul – is so much greater than everything I have experienced in life. Currently I am reading a book by Osho, where he says sexuality is never gonna be what it was between the Age of 14 and 21 and sour lust for sex starts fading out around the age of 40/50. I fear I will loose it before ever having had the chance to experience it fully. The kind of sex that leads to higher realms. The kind of sex that helps us transcend the limitations of our mind, the feelings of unworthiness, connect us with the infinite space we come from.

Never having had a safe space within and without, I wandered, lost. The first years of sexuality in my life were abuse I agreed to. Years full of me suppressing my Nos and my Yesses. Afraid of being rejected, when I would only reveal who I truly am. I let him fuck me without even looking at me, to then throw me away like a used tissue. Not once, but repetitively. It wasn't his fault. I can not blame him, for that he mirrored me how unworthy I felt of love. I can not blame "him" for that he couldn't connect to me on a deeper level – as I was longing for, because I needed a mirror to show me how disconnected I was from myself. I could also not blame "him" for never standing up for my own needs and wants. "He" needed to hurt me and my sexuality real bad, for that I finally stopped falling into this trap of abuse and short term approval. 

I stopped having sex for years, to make sure I never have to experience that again. I was afraid. Real afraid, the world was evil. Men were evil. Every cab drive was a reason to feel like having a heart attack, like my breath was leaving me. It went on for years until I realized I was only projecting my fear and pain onto the external, that the world didn't have to be bad. If I could only see it in different light. Years of resting in victimhood until I could really take responsibility for my own healing. I remember seeking help from a mentor and friend a few years ago. Sebastian, he lived outside of Berlin. I visited him and drunk some medicine he prepared, on a very sunny day. I sat in the window and cried for three hours I think, I asked him if I could be naked. "I need you to stay fully dressed," I said. After I cried I was very peaceful. I looked at my body a lot, touched my own skin, had so much pleasure eating these juicy dates and drinking water felt like inhaling a river of a sensual life-force. Looking back I feel like this was the key event for me to reconnect to my sensuality (at least a little bit). Sebastian passed, I never had someone holding space for my healing like he did. I feel like many men in the healing industry took advantage of my weakness and sorrow, claiming to heal me by continuing the cycle of abuse. Seba was just there for me holding room. So unobtrusive. In the evening I asked him if he could have breakfast naked with me. I wanted to overcome my fear of the male body, especially his genitals. It was the most beautiful morning, waking up, feeling so connected to my femininity after the ceremony. And my naked friend who prepared brekkie for me just brought my heart joy. 

After breakfast we both sat in the window, I had a cigarette and laid out my feet up front. Talking, looking out my foot "accidentally" touched his penis. I started crying and my heart raised in fear. He asked me why I was afraid. I don't know what I said. I guess I was afraid he would get hard and I would be forced to perform something on him. He said: Victoria whatever would happen, when I would sit in front of you with an errection, that's ok, its my nature, its how my sexuality expresses itself. It hast nothing to do with you. Hold on to your Yes, hold on to your No. Nobody can take that from you, unless you are clear about it." 

After this encounter I slowly started having Sex again. Trusting Sebastian was essential on this journey. I learned that pleasure is so much more than Sex, its drinking water, swimming in the lake, smelling the flowers. I learned that there was so much innocence in nudity. I came back to my WG that I shared with five others and continued being naked for the following weeks. Which truly makes me giggle right now. I just wanted to keep this innocence of being in my body, the purity that I felt when visiting my shamanic friend. Yet the boys in my WG, found it very provoking. After weeks not saying anything they exploded in rage: "Victoooooriaaa, can you please get dressed." Ops, Pardon me. :D 

I will tell you about my first sexual encounters in the next post, or maybe the one after. This was quite emotional for me. I miss Sebastian. And I hope that sharing my story and my own research in terms of sexual healing might benefit one or the other. 

Sending Love 

V