Major Trend: Self-Love (Is it a scam?)

Hey you, this is part of a series on self-love, self-hatred and how we can look at ourselves wholesomely without neglecting parts. Do we really love ourselves? What does cancel culture have to do with our ability to face discomfort? How can we get a more total understanding of our complex creature…and fully accept light & dark within. I want to understand that. I might as well take you along.

 

The Body Shop Global Selflove Index "has identified a self-love* crisis for women around the world, with one in two women feeling more self-doubt than self-love, and 60% wishing they had more respect for themselves." Also according to the research, people in the US who are single have lower Self-Love, compared to those in a relationship. Looking at these statistics one might get confused what self-love actually is. 

One thing I am certain of: self-love is self-mastery. It is pealing layer after layer of false programming. It is being brave enough to look our shadow in the eye and accept ourselves despite all the self-hatred. For me personally there is still a long path of discovering what I don’t love about myself, detecting my „self-sabotage“, finding the most silent whisper that I am not pretty enough, not competent enough, not creative enough…somewhere in the back corner of my mind. I do love myself, yet that is only one side of the coin and far away from the all-embracing truth I embody. I am sick of embracing one side more than the other. We do live in a time of spirituality taking over mass media and self-love being a major trend. I personally couldn't think of a better trend, although it also leads to a lot of spiritual bypassing and collective gaslighting of somewhat "less noble" emotions. Once they said „never show what you are truly going through to your neighbors“. Now they say „get out of victim mentality and live your best life ever“. And no matter what it always leads to the glorification of „happy, happy“. Majority of people seem to think that self love is a bubblebath, manicure and sugarcoating oneself while gazing in the mirror.

Speaking of…“Love yourself" became a term that makes me often roll my eyes in annoyance. Especially if it is the subline of a post in which an influencer is advertising beauty products. While the self-love trend is even the bottomline of a polish ketchup advertisement and basically forms an industry rather than a philosophy or practice, what about "Discover the parts within you that you do not like?“ for a little bit of variety. Wouldn’t that offer a much more wholesome perspective? Isn’t facing the opposite of self-love exactly what we need to gain greater acceptance of ourselves in total? Look a movement of self-love wouldn't exist and go viral on the internet if we wouldn't come from a place of self-loathing, unworthiness and self-doubt. And we wouldn’t live in a world full of supression, theft, abuse, violence etc. if we wouldn’t be abusive, violent, unfair… towards ourselves. It might seem abstract yet it is impossible that you face something in your external reality, that you don’t carry within you. And especially suspicious I find all of the Girls on Youtube I have seen over the past months who say things such as: „I am the best ever version of myself“ „I love myself, fuck them haters“ „I am really done with 90% of the work“ (Age 26). So many people around the internet claim to love themselves, while the world around us seems to continue to go down. This just doesn’t add up in my calculations. Might that downfall eventually be connected to our denial?  Until we face the darkest dark within ourselves it will haunt us in all forms in our external reality. It will always find its expression somehow in the collective. 

„Loving“ means pulling something towards oneself. And especially the parts within that we avoid& try to push away, need our attention the most. Our collective darkness desperately wants to be seen. By suppressing it our collective consciousness creates more abuse, more murder, more violence, more war, more inequality… More of everything we do not like in the world, because we just do not want to face what we do not like within. Denying the suppressor we carry inside of us, to put all of our energy in the suppression we see outside of us. Which would not exist, if it wouldn’t exist inside of us. (I try to make this very clear. Its simple math in the end.) 

Suppression, leads to increase or obsession. Meaning, the longer you suppress your darkness the harder it will hit, whenever you’ll decide to look at yourself in wholeness. And I believe to know that, because I am a great representative of hiding any shade of dark, any shade of fear, any shade of pain behind a huge smile with even bigger teeth. Literally my teeth are only so big, so my huge shadow can hide behind them. I wasn’t only hiding my darkness from others, in the first place I was hiding it from myself. I still do, every other day when I am afraid to face it. Suppressing my trauma, all bad feelings to the point of dissociating me from myself and pretending that it is all fine. For a long time I really didn’t know that something could not be fine, because it really does feel all sugar sugar baby, when one is dissociated from anything going on below. And truly it is „all fine“, yet it is never just that. We need to train ourselves to allow all of the parts within us to exist simultaneously. To create a world based on the idea of oneness and equality we need to start creating oneness within the fragmented parts of our personality. Equality in the „State of Victoria“ for example means that every part, every emotion, every expression within Victoria gets the same chance to be heard, seen, and valued. I want to embody the rainbow pouring out of my being and the black surrounding it, equally. Which is really not so easy living in a people pleaser society. 

Some years ago I got offended, when a shaman I was working with passed me without returning my „friendly“ smile. Only later I could reflect on how often I put on a friendly face to be polite, to hide my true feelings, to get confirmed that my existence isn’t bothering no one… instead of holding, being and showing myself with everything that I truly am. Because in reality the moment I passed him, I was deeply struggling. Why did I smile, to pretend I am not? Because my parents have taught me, that I am just not so cute and lovable when I struggle? Might be one of many reasons.

Have you ever visited one of the surviving nature tribes and seen people constantly smiling like in our western civilization? I was truly amazed how much depth and transparency I saw revealed in their facial expression. In the somewhat truly connected faces I had the pleasure gazing at, I didn’t see smiles that were not really coming from the deepest place of the heart. I saw the dark and the light meeting in compassion and creating an energy that is wether happy nor sad. It was beyond that, including both, accepting of all…. These people seemed to be raised in an environment which didn’t judge them on their body size, their level of productivity, their IQ or their facial features. They were raised in connection with something greater than themselves. Surrounded by prayer, music, togetherness and herbal medicine – they seemed to have a greater sense of self-worth which allowed them to be authentic. A greater ability to hold themselves with everything they are, because there was no label, no division in one or the other. At least that’s how the energy felt. All the aspects of every shade, mood, feel belong into one construct of the person. 

I believe, (my studies are not profound enough to claim that I know) that their tribe didn’t teach them that „this“ side of them is acceptable, while another one isn’t. Which makes it a bit easier to stay in tune with the variety of aspects our self has to offer.

It takes a lot of courage to show oneself with „all of it“ and an even greater courage to face „all of it“ within. Especially the side of us we do not like to identify ourselves with in most cases, or only on a superficial level. A courage accompanied by deep self acceptance, love and above all the safety that comes from the knowingness that „I am held“ (by the above and the below) no matter what. The knowing that you do not need to pretend anything in order to get approved, because you know you are worthy. This knowing comes from a deep connection to the source that we need to work hard to rebuild in the west. Our whole culture tells us not to, our whole culture is build on denial and gaslighting of our wholeness, divinity and origin. So let us BE HAPPY(!!!), because only that way we can maintain the illusion. And blindly follow capitalistic cancel culture as there was no other ways to live. 

Before I leave here for now I want to share a quote from my friend, who was telling me how terrible it felt to come in contact with their dark side in a recent phone call. I just couldn’t hold my laugh, because they were so sweet and poetic even while hating on their whole existence. They said:

„In one moment I think the world needs me.

A second later I think: Fuck the devil is in me.

I look out of the window and want to jump.

Then I remember I have a mango in the kitchen.

I eat it and suddenly life makes so much sense again.

I wake up feeling great in my body until

In the evening I feel like one of Marge Simpsons sisters.

Some days I meditate and  I am in this blissful heaven.

Some days I meditate and I am in hell.

I never felt so many polarities. I just want life to be easier again.“

„How was it before that?“ I ask.

„Nice. Everything was just nice“.

I knew it was and secretly I was happy it wasn’t no more. Sometimes I got tired of my friend telling me how great everything was eventho their whole body language, voice, aura said something else. I know it triggered me, because I didn’t like how hard it was to be authentic about my own feelings. „Vic you just need to get yourself a pair of pink-colored glasses and the world looks fine. There is things we do not want to cloud our reality with“, they used to say. These things are hidden self-beliefs, unworthiness, pain, hatred, despair, (childhood) trauma… Yet can we base true contentment on just blending these out? What do you think?

I hope I made you curious to know what your dark aspects are. How well do you know them?

Do you give yourself space to express all of yourself?

Are you aware of your denial?

Do you have any thoughts on the global self-love movement?

Thank you for reading and thinking with me. There is really no point in healing, when we do not admit to our wounds. I am very exited to read your ideas, so do not shy away from leaving a comment. I will continue my contemplations next week. 

Sending warmth your way,

Victoria